I’m full of panic and anxiety following the UK’s upcoming departure from the EU. I don’t like uncertainty and all this not knowing whats going to happen now is concerning. Already things have happened, politicians denying that they said things which ultimately where only said to bend peoples opinions of the EU and persuading them to leave. only to deny that they said that once they have gotten the result they wanted.
I’m scared. I don’t know whats going to happen..
As an artist, I try and see the beauty in everything, no matter how difficult. It was a good way to perceive the world. If for example, I woke up one morning feeling down, I’d take a minute to think, ‘hey, at least the weather is good‘ or ‘hey, the weather might be shitty but I’ve got a good day planned with my partner‘ and for the most part it worked, but something happened early this year that brought my entire world to a halt.
It’s always hard finding out a friend is ill
It’s even worse when you hear its cancer.
And its even worse when you hear that its so aggressive that nothing can be done about it.
the last time I saw him was at the nightclub he worked at, I tried to get his attention to say hi but it was heaving in there, there where so many people moving that as soon as I blinked he had gone. I went out for a cigarette, but I wasn’t allowed back in, apparently they had a separate smoking area which I didn’t know about, so I went out the front to smoke. But when I went to go back inside, I got told
“we aren’t allowed to let anyone in now I’m afraid”
had I known that’d be the last time I’d ever see him, I’d have gone inside regardless. If only I had known.
I moved back to my hometown October last year (2015) and decided I was going to start performing again when my partner and I had settled into our first home. but before I got the change, I found out a good friend of mine from school had been diagnosed with brain cancer, and that it was too aggressive to do anything about. I don’t remember alot from that moment. But I do remember everything becoming silent, and still. Thats when I started crying, and I don’t think I stopped for a long time. My partner took me to the shop, and I bought a bottle of wine, to drink away the pain, and I hadn’t done that for months (I used to have a drinking problem, I’ll go into that at another time)
the next few weeks where so difficult, I spoke to his sister, and did my best to help where I could. I wanted to see him, I wanted to be able to say goodbye. but he was too I’ll, he couldn’t do anything, literally anything eat, drink, move… all he could do,w as rest, and cry.
his sister kindly said to me, that if I wrote out a message for him that she would read it out to him, so I did, every single day, The first one I sent, i think was the only one he received, because he was sleeping, or ill, or other reasons, and his sister came to me and said ‘I read out your message to him, I asked him do you remember her?’ (his illness had affected his memory. and he remembered me)
I was told he had days, maybe a week or so left, so we all did our best to make him comfortable and prepare ourselves for the inevitable.
the days where long, and unpredictable, but I valued every single moment, that I knew he was still here.
But it got to much for him. he didn’t want to be in pain anymore.
one say I got home from work, and discovered that my friend, had passed away. I got that same, still, silent overwhelming feeling, and then, once again, the tears started, and another trip to the store, and another bottle of wine. my friend had gone. The silhouette of him in the nightclub, was the last I ever saw of him.
I should have gone to find him.
I should have fought my way back inside
I should have tried harder.
I remember I always promised him I’d teach him to play guitar, it was our project, learn guitar, make a band, get big. we had it all figured out.
only, I never did teach him.
and now I never will. since the day he died I swore I’d never touch my guitar again. the one thing that brought meaning to my life hurt so much to look at. there was a point where all I was, was my music, all I breathed was my music. then it all just vanished.
until one of my songs started circulating around the net again, and his family saw it, and asked me if I’d play at his wake. at first I was hesitant, I couldn’t ever find a song that justified the way he made me feel. but I accepted, because he would have at least wanted me to try.
for two weeks I sat with my guitar and an empty piece of paper and wrote, exactly that I was feeling. and the end result was the most beautiful song I have ever written, and will probably ever write. and playing it, in a room filled with his spirit and life and love, was the best way I could have every said
‘thank you friend,
for everything you’ve done
and everything you ever will do
you will never,be forgotten.
until we meet again’
that was the last time I played my guitar for an audience, in February. my recent trips to different towns to play different venues came to a halt, and the guitar sat and began to gather dust. I thought that was the end of it.
until this morning, I was asked to play at an open mic night in the same room that I played in last. and I accepted. I thought its now or never, when I arrived, I was nervous, the room felt colder than I remembered. I sat patiently and quietly waiting for my turn, even considered getting up and leaving. but I felt him there with me, and I did it. and now
I have never felt more motivated to do anything in my entire life.
so today’s a new beginning
fresh start
and I have him to thank for that
so thankyou, really.
Thank you
Fable ♥
You know what. I’m done. I try so hard to make friends in this town because I moved back here after living in a different town for 2 years and now all my old friends have gone. But that doesn’t mean I’m gonna sit by and let my new so called ‘friend’ mug me off like it doesn’t bother me.
When we met it was great, I had someone to talk to, someone to hang out with, someone to make memories with but then, all of a sudden she just didn’t seem interested anymore. I tried talking to her last night, she didn’t seem really into having a conversation with me
So I’m not gonna bother. I know who my friends are, (what few of them I have got) if she isn’t interested then fine. I’d rather be alone.
Todays not a good day. I feel so useless and worthless and overall crap. wish I had someone who wasnt my partner that I could talk to, but all my ‘friends’ live out of town. I’d give anything just to not care about anything or anyone. The same was people seem not to care about me.
How do they do it
I wish I knew
fable ♥
I got some new ink today, for some reason getting tattoo’d always makes me happier than it probably should, I’ve never thought of myself as beautiful, so when I can put something beautiful onto my body (whether other people consider it to be beautiful or not doesn’t interest me in the slightest) it always makes me feel like a more beautiful person.
Today I got a tribute tattoo for a friend of mine from school who sadly passed away earlier this year, Here’s a picture of it:
My mood is still pretty good since the last time I posted, a little bit of stress creeping in but nothing to promote an unwanted attack of sorts. I’ve been thinking to myself alot more recently about how people (not to name names but a certain someone from long time ago) treated me and the way it has affected me, and compare it to the way some people sometimes treat me now. I’ve decided I am no longer going to let people make me feel stupid of any less intelligent than I know I am.
I’ve put up with that sort of shit to much in my life as it is, and I don’t want it to carry on any longer. the next step to take it figuring out what to do when I’m put in those sorts of positions. I don’t like when people get mad at me. In fact, I do my best to avoid any conflict at all. It’s just so very hard to do when everyone in your life has hurt you in one way or another and you’ve never really dealt with it properly (either avoiding the conflict of not knowing how to deal with it)
But that’s my plan guys! It’s good to see the amount of views my blog is getting slowly creeping up, I hope I’m helping somebody out there.
I’ll post back in a couple of days or so.
Fable ♥
Today’s a good day, so I’ll treasure it. I’ve somewhat recovered from my incident at work on Tuesday, I think it’s the weather, I was grumpy and hungover this morning but when the sun came out my spirits rose, I’m going to try and enjoy it for as long as I can and use all this positive energy to clean the house and try to make as many people happy as I can. I’m not sure how long its going to last, but I’m not going to think about that.
I’m not thinking that what goes up must come down, I’m thinking what goes up, can always go higher
Fable ♥
Last night I was sent home from work early, because I had an anxiety attack. I work in retail and so far had managed to control it around work by distracting my mind and focusing on what I was supposed to be doing. but I was a few minutes late last night and it sent me into a state of panic. I’ve always been that way, it doesn’t make any sense to anyone else, especially my partner, who doesn’t seem to understand how important it is for me to get places on time, if I’m even a minute late I become very uncomfortable, like people are going to think badly of me.
“Punctuality is not just limited to arriving at a place at right time
it is also about taking actions at right time”
In this case, I couldn’t agree more, the thought process that goes into when I do things, and planning what time I’d be done with it, so, getting ready for work, If I’m walking, i leave an hour before I start (because I’d rather be early than late) so I get ready 2 hours before I start, and and hour before I leave, which gives me plenty of time to do what I need to do.
Many people would just call this being organized, however, I don’t. It’s far to controlling to be down to organizational skills, people are pleased to have organizational skills, but to me, my constant need to be punctual in every dingle thing that I do has started taking over my life. Even now, I don’t need to start doing anything for about her hour and a half, but I’m still looking over at the clock every two minutes because I’m afraid that I will run out of time.
I’m not sure people truly understand the seriousness behind my wanting to be punctual, its not to impress people, or make their lives easier, its for my own peace of mind. If I’m late to work, or to a lunch, or a party or anything, It puts me into a state of panic, and in some cases such as yesterday, an anxiety attack.
I felt like a total let down, I didn’t want to go home, but my being there would have caused more trouble than I’m worth, I didn’t want to waste any more of their time. So I gave in and left. When my partner came to collect me, my shakes had calmed down a little, but not alot, and my mouth was so dry I felt like I could have choked on it. he took me home.
I really need to try and sort out my issues, I didn’t want them to get this bad, it was tolerable when I was a home, or alone but not when I’m at work.
I need to regain control.
Fable ♥
Days like today are hard, for me especially. I don’t know how other people are affected by things that affect me but it can feel really awful sometimes. Unfortunately I have been cursed with a number of mental illnesses that cause me to see the world differently to other people, and feel things differently to other people. And yes, it does cause problems, and god only knows that if I could change the way I perceived everything I would. That’s what I don’t understand about people who glorify mental illnesses, why do you want to feel the way I (and thousands of others) feel on a regular basis? It’s not a nice feeling, not in the slightest.
Today’s ones of those bad days, let me tell you about it. I have depression, so I can wake up in a bad mood and it’ll stick around for the rest of the day, whether or not the day I’m having is nice, and filled with good things and happiness doesn’t matter. I know how it sounds, it makes me sound ungrateful for the good things I have, but that’s untrue. And the fact that I am aware of all the amazing things around me and still feel unable to win the battle against my depression, makes me feel even more depressed, it feels like a never ending cycle.
I live with my partner, we’re going to be married, while he does have issues of his own I try my absolute hardest to see things from his perspective, because I know how it feels when no one is willing to do that for you, I don’t want him to feel the way I feel. But try as I might I cant seem to help him in the way I wish I could. I hate feeling the way I do, I really do. I wish I could take it away from him.
Living with someone who has issues as well as yourself doesn’t actually make understanding each other any easier, because his problems are different to mine. his coping mechanisms are different to mine, he simply shuts off, he’s never been much of a talker and he’s not now, especially when he feels down. on the other hand, I am constantly watching peoples reactions to things I say and do, I’m constantly concious of peoples opinions towards me and whether or not I’m “doing something wrong” so to speak. I understand the whole ‘you cant please everyone’ blah blah blah I get it, I do. but I still haven’t come to terms with it…
I’ve let down enough people in my life already, I don’t want to do it again. The doctor took me off my medication that, kind of balanced me out, so I don’t have access to those any more, My partners on them, but I’m not sure if he takes them or not. counselling has never worked for me and I’m 99% sure that it will never work, I say 99% because I’m not 100% sure of anything any more, through fear of one day being wrong, and then people could laugh at me for it.
I also have anxiety (in case you didn’t already pick up on that) which causes me to over thing everything and become nervous at the smallest of things, even typing out this blog post I’m constantly making spelling and grammer errors, not sure to my lack of intelligence but due to the anxiety that writing this post is giving me, ‘will anyone notice it’, ‘will anyone care’, ‘what if I don’t help anyone’. It’s endless the amount of bullshit my head makes up, but in my head, it all makes sense
“We’re all mad here.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland
We have a system, my partner and I, where I’ll ask him ‘1 to 10?’ as in, on a scale of one to ten how happy are you feeling one being awful ten being, that you couldn’t be happier, and more often than not he’ll say 10 which to anyone who isn’t me would be great, ‘my partners not unhappy about anything, that means we can have a really lovely day together’ …………………….. but this is me we’re talking about, so instead of that, my reactions is “He’s lying, I’ve done something so damn awful he cant tell me, why wont he tell me, he’s got to tell me, am I so awful he cant tell me and he’s pretending he’s fine”
Which is, you know… not ideal.
I’m not entirely sure what the idea behind this blog was if I”m honest, I think to begin with it was a way to vent, but I hope that if anyone see’s it, they might be able to relate to things I say and feel, and together we might be able to help each other out.
I’m gonna leave it here for now, thank you for your time. I know how precious it is.
I’ll talk to you soon
Fable ❤
